Control

This morning, as I was in the shower, I was thinking... My Mom has always been in control. No, not that "in your face - it's my way or the highway" kind of control. But, she: designed and decorated the home I was raised in from 1965 through 1983. She arranged all of the rooms (deciding where furniture would be, what color, etc); bought our clothes; decided what we were to have for breakfast, lunch (if we were home at that time of day) and dinner. When I married in 1983, she took over my wedding (and I'm pretty sure she did this for my older sisters as well) - deciding on the color of my attendees' dresses, my husband's tuxedo, even my wedding gown. She decided where it would be held and who officiated. I did not mind a bit. In fact, I thought that was how it was supposed to be, she did it all so flawlessly. When my boys weren't old enough for school, she took care of them. When they started school, she took care of them before/after. I knew they were in good hands. Besides, I would much rather pay someone who I KNOW cares about them just as much as I do, than I would some old day care. Then, she began having back problems. I realized she was having difficulty, so I began leaving the boys with her less and less. But, it seemed to me, that she is the type that HAS to have some ONE or some THING to fuss over, or her life is not fulfilling. So, I did my best to show her she was appreciated and needed. Fast forward to April 2008. The diagnosis of the BIG C. This has exacerbated her back pain exponentially. I am not sure if it's because her bones are all brittle (her back doc's explanation) or the effects of chemo (her oncologist's explanation) or the effects of radiation treatment (her radiologist's explanation). Most likely a mixture. Because of her high pain levels, she takes strong medication. This has left her with absolutely NO control what so ever. No control over her bladder (she can't walk fast enough to get to the potty), no control over her medical care (Deb made the appointments while she was here; now I do), no control over where she goes (I am NOT about to let her drive in her current state - no siree! She falls asleep standing up for goodness sakes! But I tell her it's because she can't move her legs quick enough to drive). No control over what she buys (I get her groceries; Kathy handles her finances). No control any where. So while I am there in the shower, I was wondering how I would feel if I were in her shoes.... I am aggravated enough as it is because, due to my own back problems and the pain that comes with it, I have no control over my own activities. Sure, I can continue doing things I know will only cause me more pain, but it's only because I CALL THE SHOTS. Not my pain. Well, okay - most times the pain wins out, but it's a tough win, let me tell you! My point being, all this control has suddenly (in a matter of months) been taken from her. After watching her all these years, I'd think she'd be happy for the break. But, I'm not so sure. I'm not saying I will let her drive herself anywhere. Well, if I see she is well enough, I'll take a trip with her and let her drive, maybe. And, I am quite happy with Kathy handling her finances. Sometimes, the medication she takes makes her want to shop through magazines or home shopping TV stations. That's not good. I'm just saying that I am going to try and let her have control over SOME things. I will have to be sure to do that. Love to all Jeaux